Well, I think its finally happened, I've finally cracked. Here its one o'clock in the morning and I can't stop myself from crying. I keep thinking about what's awaiting for my after August. I will finally be able to hold this little human being that has been growing in me for the past 7 months in my arms. To rock it, feed it, play with it, and teach it that AC/DC is the best band ever. But how is that all going to happen? I won't have money to buy it food, there isn't a place for me to really call home, I have no friends to hold my child and look at me and tell me what I wonderfully beautiful child you are.
The screen is becoming blurry as I type this all out but I can't hold it back any longer. I tried to be strong, tried to look at the bright side of things but the out come is always going to be the same. My child is going to be born to a struggling family, hardly able to live from one pay check to the next. I know my husband will never let me down, he always holds me close and tells me things will be alright. He's always there to wipe my tears away. But when he's at work, like right now, those tears silently fall.
Those stupid tears that show the fact that my armor has fallen and I too am only human, that I too now know what it's like to have to look for hand outs. That I too will know that I will no longer be able to afford my $6 dollar bottle of Aussie and have to look for something cheaper, far cheaper. I know those are the sacrafices a parent makes, but I would rather make those sacrafices knowing at least there was two pay checks coming in, that there was always that little extra money to buy you your wipes and formula, I don't care about "fancy" hair products. I just want to know for sure my little baby will always have food, always have clothes, and what ever else you need. But I fear deeply that isn't going to happen now.
I'm sorry Peanut, it looks like my vision of what I hoped would be here waiting for you when you are born is no more. As of now, your the main reason I'm looking forward to the end of August. Out of all this bad that is happening at least I know there is still one good thing to look forward to. So when you are ready baby come on out.
And to you I write this...
Mama needs a smile, mama needs someone to hold on to, to cry too, to tell all her worries too. Yes, daddy is there for me, but right now I think I need you most. Your that little shining star of hope that I can't wait to wrap my arms around. I need you here. I know nothing will change, we will still have our nightly talks like we have been since January, but there is one thing special that will happen. I'll be able to look into your wonderful eyes and know that you will always be there for me. You'll always love me no matter what happens.
Baby from this day forward I vow to you that I will be the best mother I can for you. I won't have the money to go out and buy you the world, but always know that I have two arms to wrap you up with more love then you could imagine. Two ears that will always be open to listen, no matter how late or early it is. Two eyes to see how your feeling with out you having to say a word. A strong shoulder for you to cry on. A mouth to tell you exactly what you want to and need to hear. And an open spot in my heart that ever since I found out I was pregnant has slowly been filling with love, and joy for you. Your my baby, my love, my life. I love you now, and I always will. Daddy loves you too. And with both of you I know I can get through this tough time.
And I know Peanut that when I need you most you will come.
I love you little one, with all my heart.
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