What's become of my life?

Well, I think its finally happened, I've finally cracked. Here its one o'clock in the morning and I can't stop myself from crying. I keep thinking about what's awaiting for my after August. I will finally be able to hold this little human being that has been growing in me for the past 7 months in my arms. To rock it, feed it, play with it, and teach it that AC/DC is the best band ever. But how is that all going to happen? I won't have money to buy it food, there isn't a place for me to really call home, I have no friends to hold my child and look at me and tell me what I wonderfully beautiful child you are.

The screen is becoming blurry as I type this all out but I can't hold it back any longer. I tried to be strong, tried to look at the bright side of things but the out come is always going to be the same. My child is going to be born to a struggling family, hardly able to live from one pay check to the next. I know my husband will never let me down, he always holds me close and tells me things will be alright. He's always there to wipe my tears away. But when he's at work, like right now, those tears silently fall.

Those stupid tears that show the fact that my armor has fallen and I too am only human, that I too now know what it's like to have to look for hand outs. That I too will know that I will no longer be able to afford my $6 dollar bottle of Aussie and have to look for something cheaper, far cheaper. I know those are the sacrafices a parent makes, but I would rather make those sacrafices knowing at least there was two pay checks coming in, that there was always that little extra money to buy you your wipes and formula, I don't care about "fancy" hair products. I just want to know for sure my little baby will always have food, always have clothes, and what ever else you need. But I fear deeply that isn't going to happen now.

I'm sorry Peanut, it looks like my vision of what I hoped would be here waiting for you when you are born is no more. As of now, your the main reason I'm looking forward to the end of August. Out of all this bad that is happening at least I know there is still one good thing to look forward to. So when you are ready baby come on out.

And to you I write this...
Mama needs a smile, mama needs someone to hold on to, to cry too, to tell all her worries too. Yes, daddy is there for me, but right now I think I need you most. Your that little shining star of hope that I can't wait to wrap my arms around. I need you here. I know nothing will change, we will still have our nightly talks like we have been since January, but there is one thing special that will happen. I'll be able to look into your wonderful eyes and know that you will always be there for me. You'll always love me no matter what happens.
Baby from this day forward I vow to you that I will be the best mother I can for you. I won't have the money to go out and buy you the world, but always know that I have two arms to wrap you up with more love then you could imagine. Two ears that will always be open to listen, no matter how late or early it is. Two eyes to see how your feeling with out you having to say a word. A strong shoulder for you to cry on. A mouth to tell you exactly what you want to and need to hear. And an open spot in my heart that ever since I found out I was pregnant has slowly been filling with love, and joy for you. Your my baby, my love, my life. I love you now, and I always will. Daddy loves you too. And with both of you I know I can get through this tough time.
And I know Peanut that when I need you most you will come.

I love you little one, with all my heart.

An afternoon in Labor and Delivery

On Friday when I got back from lunch, the pain that I've been experiencing for a week now got the best of me. My back, stomach, legs and feet were in so much pain it made it difficult for me to walk. I called my OB and they told me to go to the Birthing Center. Once there they hooked me up and waiting to see if there were any contractions. Lucky for me, and Peanut everything was fine, according to the doctor the baby was stretching and pushing against my back most likely pinching a nerve. The plus side to all of this, Joel and I got to listen to Peanut's heartbeat for well over 2 hours, along with every kick and turn the baby made. I also like that it gave me a small glimpse to how Joel is going to act when I am there for actual labor. He was so calm and helped me every time I needed to move. He would lift my head to make it easier for me to take a sip of water. He was just so amazing to me.





On a lighter note, my mother-in-law is purchasing us our crib. Its the Bergamo Madison Lifetime Crib:

Its so beautiful and I hope it goes great with our ocean themed nursery.

Over the weekend Mom and I got the invites for my shower all put together and done. Only thing left is to address, stamp and mail them. I know I shouldn't be helping her but I just love working on invites. Call me crazy, but its so much fun.

The Stroller of my dreams

I've always wanted that classic stroller look. You know the type you would find in black and white photos, and inside you knew the baby was sure to be wearing a gown and bonnet. Kind of like this:

Well, I think I found my stroller. Its the Inglesina 2010 Classica Pram and Frame. Only problem is the price. Its so beautiful, to me its the Cadillac of strollers. It has style, it has elegance, it has everything a mother would want, and only for a mere $1300.00. Did your jaw drop? Mine did when I first saw the price. But when you see it you will just swoon over it. I mean, just look at it:

Doesn't it just scream buy me? What I love most about it is the color choices it comes in. Browns, blues, pinks, creams, and blacks. I think I need to stop staring at it and get back to work. But how can you not stare? Seriously, just look at it.

And they lived happily ever after...

When I take a glance at my hand I just can't help but smile. This has happened before but there hasn't been this much excitement. Who knew one can get over joyous about looking down at their hand? Just seeing that extra ring on my left hand makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world!

On Friday my fiance and I finally tied the knot. It wasn't a big glamorous wedding but its what we wanted. A small simple ceremony shared between me and the man I love. After saying our quick "I do's", we headed down the 41 and off to the coast where we spent 3 wonderful days soaking up some sun. Believe me, I have a red arm to prove it.

We may not have done much but to us it was a trip around the world and back. Then again that's how every trip with him is. Even just laying in his arms late at night is like a trip all its own...


When we arrived at Pismo Beach we looked for a place to eat. We ended up at the Ventana Grill, which was so amazing, even the hostess helped make the night memorable. As she walked us to our table we had to walk down a very short set of stairs. Joel made the trip first then turned around and held out a hand for me. The lady looked up and told us that we could have taken the ramp. I appreciate the gesture but I think I can manage 3 steps. The booth she had set us at had a wonderful view of the ocean. As we ate our dinner we watched the sun set and the fog slowly roll in.

After dinner we hung out in the parking lot talking and joking around, laughing a good deal at all the new bug friends we had made just from standing out there. Before we left the parking lot we swayed back and forth in each other's arms, the only music to be heard was the beating of our hearts and the waves crashing against the rocks. It was the perfect moment, it was as if it was only Joel and I there. No one else for miles. The pinks, purples, and blues in the sky made the perfect back drop to an even more perfect moment. That very moment I had fallen head over heels for this man again. And those rings on our fingers showed the world that he was mine, and I was his, till death do us part.

Just looking up into his eyes I knew it was that moment I've always stayed up late as a little girl dreaming about. It was a moment that no photo could capture but would live on in my heart. It was the moment when happily ever after began.

We ended the night at the hotel room, still laughing at the days events. My white way of saying 'Ventana', my need of a ramp, Peanut's kicking me in the ribs and the 20 or so bugs we swatted away from us. It was the start to a wonderful weekend, and the beginning of a wonderful marriage.

I-L-O-V-E-U

In 3 days I will be happily married to the man I love. For now we are only going to the court house, but does it matter? By the end of the day I'll have his name.

Last night while I was laying in bed I was actually thinking about the time we first said 'I love you' to each other. Sadly I don't remember the actual date but I know it was back in July. We were laying on his bed just talking and I was writing on his chest with my finger. After a while he asked me what I kept writing, so I slowly wrote out each word, letter for letter. His eye's lite up and he looked down at me, smiling. He took a deep breath and whispered "I love you, too."

And since that day when ever he tells me those three little words my heart skips a beat, my face becomes flush and I can't help but let a huge smile spread across my face. This man, he is my true love. He's the one who gets me through those horrible days at work. The one who shines a light out to help me find my way.

I love this man, with all my heart. If it wasn't for him I would have never had this wonderful little joy inside me that we call Peanut.

If you ever read this babe, know that I will always love you.