33 Weeks

Today I am 33 weeks pregnant, which means only 7 more weeks to go! Its really starting to get rough on me. I'm so uncomfortable, I no longer want to eat, and I have no clue what sleep is any more. Not to mention, my ribs feel like little one has a camp fire going on in there or something. They hurt so much that they are burning!

The best part is my mom gets on to me cause I can no longer keep my legs closed, and I don't mean like that. My belly has gotten so big I need to open my legs just to sit comfortable. Other then that there is really nothing new going on, except the belly is getting bigger and the kicks and punches are being replaced by rolls and stretches.

Baby is the size of a honeydew!

Things are heating up, baby may grow up to a full inch this week alone,

and his/her brain is developing like crazy. Pretty soon, he will be

able to coordinate breathing with sucking and swallowing.

Also, his bones are hardening, and he's starting to keep

his eyes open when he's awake.

If you really knew me...

Last night I had watched MTV's new show "If You Really Knew Me". It was really moving to see kids in high school willing to open up to each other and share who they truly are deep inside. Well, it got me thinking and I wanted to write a blog post related to this. So here it goes.

If you really knew me, you'd know that...

... ever since I was little I felt like I was an out cast. Not only at school, but within my own family as well. And as I've grown older I feel like I'm drifting farther and father apart from everyone. I'm always left out on family trips to the coast, outtings with the cousins, and even simple family dinners. I know a lot of it has to do with me being pregnant and I can't drink, but who says you need to drink to have a good time? Oh, wait...my family. And since I don't consume alcohol, pregnant or not, I feel as if I'll never be excepted by them.

If you really knew me, you'd know that...

... ever since my brother's fiance started coming around more and more I feel as if I'm no longer a daughter to my parents. When my parents were planning their 25th Anniversary Renewal, never once did my mom ask me for advice on anything. She always went to her. But what killed me the most was my own father didn't even ask me to dance, he danced with her a couple of times, even to father-daughter songs but never once asked me... He'll even give her hugs and always asks her how she is doing but completely ignores me when I walk through the door. I just wish I knew what it was like to have a father...

If you really knew me, you'd know that...

... after I had my accident last April, I secretly wished that my car did go off the bridge instead of slamming back into the center rail. At that time in my life nothing was going right. Everything was just piling up on top of each other and I just couldn't handle it any more.

If you really knew me, you'd know that...

... if it wasn't for Joel, I would probably be six feet under by now. I owe my life to that man. Not only is he my husband, and not only is he the father of my child, but he has become my best friend, my everything. I'm so grateful that I met him all those years ago. I love him with all my heart, and I don't think he truly knows that. But he will.

I have a confession...

Since joining the bump all those months back, I've come to learn of a little blog online called: "Enjoying the Small Things". It's about a family with two little girls and of their every day adventures. If you've never read it before I say give it a shot, its really touching and such a great read.

Anyway, after reading this blog for a few months I've come to realize that deep down inside I really want a little girl. The writer has posts about baking cookies with her daughters, and having mommy and daughter days. I miss those days with my mom. Yeah we still have those days of baking cookies, but now instead of a homemade recipe its a container of frozen dough and two spoons. The laughs are still there but the moment just doesn't seem to last as long.

I would love to have those moments with a daughter. To hear her laugh at the flour I have smeared across my face and have her run away as I reach over to smear some on hers. I want to be able to lay in bed all day watching Disney movies about Princesses who find true love, to paint toe nails and finger nails with little toothpick flowers. To play dress up and have tea party's. To gang up on daddy while he is relaxing on the couch and start a tickle fight. Oh, the moments I miss sharing with my mom that I would love to share with a daughter....

I do confess, I want a little girl more then anything right now. I would love to have a boy but to be able to share these moments, the same moments I shared with my mom, would be magical.

8 Months

Happy 8 months to baby Peanut. In a little less then 2 months I'll be able to hold that little bundle of joy in my arms. Also I've noticed every picture I take is always right after I get ready to go to work. Got to love the wet hair look. I also realized that shirt doesn't do me justice.

So we've had a pretty busy weekend. On Saturday was the baby shower. It was really exciting seeing all the family ooh and ahh over my every growing belly. To hear every one's predictions on what it's going to be. If I remember correctly the girls are still in the lead. Here I was so nervous about the baby shower and it turned out great. Only thing I wish my "best friends" would have been there to celebrate with me. My guess is that a twelve pack sounded a lot better to them.

There were tons of games. It was funny watching all my aunts and cousins yelling and fighting about answers. What made the day was when everyone started calling my Aunt Coke a cheater because she is a grade school teacher and knew all the answers to the games.

After the games it was time to open presents, which was the part I was dreading most. I hate when I'm center of attention. After the pile of gift wrap and tissue paper and basically covered the floor around me, Peanut now has a good start on a clothing collection and little toys and bottles.

Just wanted to say thank you to all my family members who made it out to celebrate baby Peanut with us. Thanks so much for all the cute clothing, bottles, diapers, toys, and other neat little odds and ins!

With the excitement of Saturday gone, it was time to get down to business. Joel, his mom, and older brother spent Sunday moving things in and out of bedrooms, vacuuming, and dusting. I tried to help but kept getting shooed out by everyone because of my belly getting in the way. Also, I was getting tired of the boys making fun of me because with every 5 minutes of work I did I needed 20 minutes to recuperate.

Finally after 2 long days of cleaning and moving Peanut and me are offically moved in. Now the only thing left to do is lay down and relax with a puppy snuggled in are arms.

So Nervous

I'm so nervous about the baby shower tomorrow. I really don't know why. Maybe its because I fear that by the end of the night I'm going to end up with 100s of bottles and 100s of oneies of the same size. Or it could be that I fear no one will show up, even though people are calling saying they will. Or maybe its the fact that I'm afraid that all the hard work we put into diy-ing the decorations only to get to the venue and have them fall apart.

Oh, I think I just made the knot in my stomach a little tighter with that last one. So that must be it. I'm nervous about the decorations. My dad spent all week gluing foam fish onto foam cubes only because the weekend before I only stuck them on with the sticky side then Monday morning fish were laying all over the living room floor. It looked like a under the water massacre had taken place in our living room.

So, cross your fingers theses things survive the drive in the back of my wagon. Cause I know if mom takes them there is no way they will even make it to the location. She wants to put them in the bed of her pick-up. I can only imagine following behind her swerving back and forth trying to dodge flying foam boxes.

31 weeks and a day

Its been awhile since I've posted and a lot has happened. On June 22nd we celebrated my mom's 50th birthday! Then the Saturday following that we threw a surprise luau party for her. Let me tell you my mom is the hardest person to throw a surprise party for. She never wants to leave the house on the weekend, we bascially told our grandma to drag her out of the house. But it all turned out great and she had so much fun. Hopefully I can upload some pictures of that soon.

Also we started our 2 week appointments. Little Peanut is doing fine, and apparently he/she is a "long baby". Now if you ever run into Joel ask him what the baby is, he'll make you laugh cause he mimics the doctor grabbing my stomach.

4th of July we didn't really do much but work on the centerpieces for my upcoming baby shower this Saturday. Mom also made homemade ice cream. In our family 4th of July isn't a celebration unless we have homemade ice cream.

Well, I think that's all that's happened so far. At least what I can remember...
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I thought I would start doing a survey for each week that passes, probably should have started in the begining but its better late then never.

How Far Along: 31 weeks, 1 day

Current Weight: 208lbs (from last appointment on the 29th)

Total Weight Gain: +3 at last appointment, total of 11lbs

How big is Baby: About 17" and 4lbs

Maternity Clothes: Been wearing dresses since I started to show.

Movement: Constant.

Stretch Marks: No new ones.

Sleep: Sleeping okay, having a hard time getting comfortable

Symptoms: Constantly running to the bathroom, I think I'm starting to get a taste of morning

sickness, pain in my stomach from Peanut stretching.

Food Adversions: Meat, haha

Food Cravings: Nothing lately, other then something cold cause its so hot!

Labor Signs: None, but I think Braxton Hicks are starting.

Belly Button - In or Out: In, I can still stick my finger in there but its starting to flatten out.

What I miss: Wearing high heels and fixing my hair up. Since being pregnant my hair doesn't hold styles very well.

What I'm looking forward to: Paying the crib off.

Best Moment this Week: Baby shower on Satuday.

Milestone: Feeling braxton hicks for the first time.

What's become of my life?

Well, I think its finally happened, I've finally cracked. Here its one o'clock in the morning and I can't stop myself from crying. I keep thinking about what's awaiting for my after August. I will finally be able to hold this little human being that has been growing in me for the past 7 months in my arms. To rock it, feed it, play with it, and teach it that AC/DC is the best band ever. But how is that all going to happen? I won't have money to buy it food, there isn't a place for me to really call home, I have no friends to hold my child and look at me and tell me what I wonderfully beautiful child you are.

The screen is becoming blurry as I type this all out but I can't hold it back any longer. I tried to be strong, tried to look at the bright side of things but the out come is always going to be the same. My child is going to be born to a struggling family, hardly able to live from one pay check to the next. I know my husband will never let me down, he always holds me close and tells me things will be alright. He's always there to wipe my tears away. But when he's at work, like right now, those tears silently fall.

Those stupid tears that show the fact that my armor has fallen and I too am only human, that I too now know what it's like to have to look for hand outs. That I too will know that I will no longer be able to afford my $6 dollar bottle of Aussie and have to look for something cheaper, far cheaper. I know those are the sacrafices a parent makes, but I would rather make those sacrafices knowing at least there was two pay checks coming in, that there was always that little extra money to buy you your wipes and formula, I don't care about "fancy" hair products. I just want to know for sure my little baby will always have food, always have clothes, and what ever else you need. But I fear deeply that isn't going to happen now.

I'm sorry Peanut, it looks like my vision of what I hoped would be here waiting for you when you are born is no more. As of now, your the main reason I'm looking forward to the end of August. Out of all this bad that is happening at least I know there is still one good thing to look forward to. So when you are ready baby come on out.

And to you I write this...
Mama needs a smile, mama needs someone to hold on to, to cry too, to tell all her worries too. Yes, daddy is there for me, but right now I think I need you most. Your that little shining star of hope that I can't wait to wrap my arms around. I need you here. I know nothing will change, we will still have our nightly talks like we have been since January, but there is one thing special that will happen. I'll be able to look into your wonderful eyes and know that you will always be there for me. You'll always love me no matter what happens.
Baby from this day forward I vow to you that I will be the best mother I can for you. I won't have the money to go out and buy you the world, but always know that I have two arms to wrap you up with more love then you could imagine. Two ears that will always be open to listen, no matter how late or early it is. Two eyes to see how your feeling with out you having to say a word. A strong shoulder for you to cry on. A mouth to tell you exactly what you want to and need to hear. And an open spot in my heart that ever since I found out I was pregnant has slowly been filling with love, and joy for you. Your my baby, my love, my life. I love you now, and I always will. Daddy loves you too. And with both of you I know I can get through this tough time.
And I know Peanut that when I need you most you will come.

I love you little one, with all my heart.